Coming Across the Line...

Back to the race. Today I am doing the last treatment of cycle two. In the race comparison, I'm on the last few meters of lap two and about to cross the start/finish line for lap three. The start of lap three begins on January 3.

Things are going well. Catherine and I were able to travel to visit my parents for Christmas which was great. I think more than anything, it was great to just get away.

Emotionally it was a little tough this Christmas because my grandmother passed away on the 22nd. I know it sounds strange to say, but it was almost relieving for us to see her go. Now before you jump to conclusions as to why, hear me out. My grandmother was an amazing woman and I loved her dearly, but it was tough to watch her the past few years. She had been in and out of the hospital and nursing home. She really had been in a lot of pain and a lot of suffering for a long time. Really she was ready to go home about three years ago. She lived a tough life. She outlived two husbands and two children and she was only 82.

So, as hard as it was to see her go, I know that all of our family is now rejoicing with her that she is finally home. She is where she really wanted to be for Christmas.

Now that I think about it, this fall/winter has been what most would consider pretty terrible. Not only did I get diagnosed with cancer but my grandmother, who lived with our family since I was in second grade, passed away. But I'm still at peace. I still have joy in my life. I still have more things to be grateful for than I do to be grieved.
Even in the hardest times. Even in the darkest times, God's abundance is supplied to and for us.

I think one of the most important lessons I've learned in life is that many times we have to stop asking the question "why?". We live in a world in which bad stuff happens. We spend so much time asking why and then trying to figure out why it did. We judge people. We judge ourselves. We take on guilt and shame. All of this just adds to more to whatever "bad" thing happened.

I got cancer. I don't know why. I don't know how. I can't change the fact that it happened. All I can do is make the best of the situation by trusting in the truth of God's word. The facts of life can be terrible sometimes, but His truth remains the same. I am more than a conquerer. I am an overcomer. I am healed. All because of what Jesus accomplished through the cross. Even when my circumstances are nowhere near looking like it, it doesn't change the truth.

To Be Honest...

I started this blog to keep people updated on how I'm doing.

Physically I'm really doing well right now. I'm not sure if I wrote earlier about all the weight I had lost, but it was about 20 pounds. For those of you who know me, you realize that I didn't have 20 pounds to loose. Well, the past two days I've weighed in at 155 pounds. That's 13 pounds up and the weight at which I was when I was competing in my career at Wayland.

More than that, my face no longer looks like a skull which is a good thing.

As great as things are going, there are still days like today when emotionally its just plain tough. It's most definitely easier to maintain a positive attitude being able to be treated outpatient rather than being admitted to the hospital, but this morning was hard for me for some reason.

I'm not sure why today was hard to get motivated but it was. I'll be honest and say that when I woke up this morning I just wanted everything to be over. I wanted the port catheter hanging from my chest to be out. I wanted to just go on a cold morning run (my favorite) then take a hot shower and get ready for work. I wanted to look in the mirror and see my long blonde wavy hair again. But I didn't.

Now, I'm back in my chair in the cancer center...all hooked up and ready to go. I prayed the whole way up here. I had to. I made sure to establish my heart in peace for the day. I had to. It's this peace that I can't afford to lose. It's this peace, His peace, in my heart that is the proof of my victory.

It is a peace that truly surpasses understanding. A peace that comes from a revelation of who God is in me, and who I am in Him. It is a peace that is that guards me. A peace that guides me. It is a peace that leads me to a place of victory even in the midst of seeming defeat.

It is a peace that gets me through, even on days like today.

I encourage you today to make sure you find this peace. Wherever you are, whatever you're going through, establish your heart with the peace of God. It sure beats worry, fear, and simple don't-want-to's!


Peace!

-Kirby

Lap 2...GO!

It's Monday morning. Time for work. Time for school. For me however, I get to receive more of my healing. I'm in the cancer center this morning starting the second cycle of the chemotherapy.

Normally I think most people would hate the position I'm in. And, it's not that great if you have most people's perspective.

The key to living in victory, to walking and generating abundance, is perspective. I know that I'm healed already. I know that God has already gone before me and prepared the way. The path has been made straight and the rushing waters have been parted.

As I have always quoted and have known in my heart, God knows the plans He has for me. They are plans to prosper me and not to harm me. My Lord is my guide and He will never lead me to a place of lack. That includes this season of my life.

Most people would call cancer a curse. And I suppose for most people it is. But with the perspective that I have, I know it's a blessing. My Bible tells me that have been set free from the curse and that I have received the blessing that is Christ. So here I sit on my blessed assurance, as my dad always says (that's a pun in case you missed it), as I journey on this path that God has made mine blogging about it on my iPhone.

So, what's the significance of doing this outpatient instead of being admitted to the hospital? I'll tell you. For me personally, it's significant because I get to sleep in my own bed at night instead of being in the hospital all week. And, I think that most people would say that's significant enough.

There's much more than this however. My doctor and the nurses said it has never been done. Now, I'm not sure if it has never been done anywhere, or just at this particular hospital and cancer treatment center. Nevertheless, they have never allowed a patient with my type of cancer and treatments to do this stage of a cycle (5 days in a row) outpatient. They ALWAYS admit patients to the hospital for this portion.

Now, I received a word that the medical field needed my testimony. While I'm not positive what all that includes, I do believe that this is part of it. I'm the first to be allowed to do this here. The doctor was hesitant to do it at first. I didn't even know if I was going to be able to, but I'm here.

I believe that your prayers have and will continue to help and support me. Continue to pray that things go abnormally well. I believe that they will. After this round of treatments, the oncology department here will know that it can be done. They will see that they can give patients with this type of cancer and method of treatment an option in the future. They don't have to just send them to the hospital. Agree with me in this. We can do it!

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch forth Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me. The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, endure forever--forsake not the works of Your own hands." (Psalm 138:7, 8 AMP)

-Kirby

My Return to the Throne

As many of you know, I love to play the drums. More specifically, I love to worship on the drums. And some of you may know that the stool that drummers sit on is called a "throne".

I've been missing worshipping on the throne for the past few weeks because I couldn't play due to my surgery and treatments.

Now I can play again and it was awesome to be back with the team as we practiced on Thursday night. Sunday's always seem better to me when I get the opportunity to worship in our services on the drums.

Mohawk Time!!!

So, for those of you who know already, my hair began to fall out last Friday (December 2nd). I went ahead and started to shave it all off that afternoon because it was as if I was a large dog shedding its long winter coat. Hair was getting everywhere. I didn't shave it completely however; I simply got a 'buzz' cut. It was about as close to bald as you can get without it actually being bald.

With that being said, by Sunday night even the tiny little hairs in my head were beginning to fall out. I was scrubbing my head in the shower (something new to me since I've always just washed my hair) and when I got out, there were bald 'scrub' marks on my head. I had literally scrubbed my hair off in certain places. It didn't look that great to me, and I noticed that the very top of my head had escaped the scrub massacre. It was at this point that I decided to give myself a mohawk. I had never in my wildest dreams thought I would ever have a true mohawk. On that note, I guess had also never imagined that I would ever have cancer. But, I'm having fun with it. It's different. It catches people off-guard. It's something to laugh about. And, I plan on trying to preserve it for as long as I can, even if it's only for a few days. And "I pity the fool" who doesn't enjoy this along with me!

Oh Where Is My Hair(brush)?!?

I haven't lost my hairbrush...BUT I have lost my hair! Woohoo!!! I know, I wasn't that excited about it. I started to lose my hair this past Friday so I made the decision to go ahead and just shave it off.

The only thing I don't really like is the fact that my head gets realllly cold now...especially since it was a pretty drastic change. When it started to fall out I must admit that I had a good long cry about it. I guess I had more of an emotional attachment to my hair than I previously thought. It was kind of depressing when I was washing my hair as normal and I looked down only to see my hands covered in my hair.

I could simply grab a chunk of hair and pull and out it would come, as easy as if someone were cutting it. Maybe the fact that it was falling out due to the chemo was the reason it was hard to deal with at first. It was really the first big side-effect I have experienced. Still, I am so blessed that this has been it. I would much rather be bald and feel well than be sick and tired.

Continue to pray that my treatment go well. Continue to pray that I don't get sick. Continue to pray that my strength goes back to the way it used to be. Continue to pray for Catherine, that she would have strength and peace through this all. Continue to pray.

The Perfect Race- 1 Lap Down!

As most of you know, I'm a runner. Probably my favorite race distance is the mile. The sub-four minute mile has always been what I've trained for. Although I have not yet ran one I have been close enough for so many attempts that I know what it takes.

It's the perfect race. Four laps, just under 1 minute each. Sounds simple enough and it is in theory. But trust me, few ever get there.

Anyways, I relate most things in life to running. My chemotherapy is no different. I have been given a new race to run, four cycles of chemotherapy. It will take much longer than running a mile but the parallel is there. Four laps to a mile, for cycles to a cancer-free body.

I'm happy to say that I successfully completed the first lap of the cancer mile yesterday. And, besides being completely wiped-out from the 50mg of Benadryl they pump into the IV before the chemo, I had no side-effects yet again.

Four laps, and four cycles is a great way to look at it for me. However, I pray that the analogy ends there. Why? I'll tell you why. In a mile race, each lap is harder than the last. The first lap, if you're properly trained and you are racing according to strategy, is like you aren't even trying. It's easy. It's controlled. It goes by quick and you shouldn't even really be breathing that hard.

The second lap should be harder but still fairly relaxed. The end of the second lap is when you begin to feel the burn.

The third lap is always the hardest. You have to consciously make yourself push. You feel like you have increased the pace significantly yet you haven't increased it at all. You're actually lucky if you have maintained the pace.

When you cross the line to begin the fourth lap is when your adrenaline kicks in. However, you have to keep it in check because more than likely if you start your "kick" then it won't last the entire 400 meters that remains in the race. It's at this point when experience and pure guts drives you to the point to where whatever you have left finally gets you across the finish line.

With this chemotherapy, I pray that each cycle just gets easier. I'm sure it's supposed to be similar to a mile race, each cycle just getting more and more taxing on the body. And, if that's the way it is for me I know I'm prepared to go through that. I believe, however, that God has made my way straight. He has gone before me and leveled he ground. He has parted the waters, and I'm walking on solid ground.

I ask that everyone continue to pray that this would be my reality. Pray that I would not experience what I'm "supposed" to experience. Pray that this would be my best race yet. Pray that this would be a race made perfect by the power and presence of Jesus.

-Kirby